When developmental researchers Nancy G. Guerra and Catherine P. Bradshaw combed through the published research looking for attributes to identify as being common to well-adjusted youth, they focused on five components they called “core competencies.” The first of these has been discussed in parenting circles for generations—sometimes heatedly. But when we look at the concept of self-esteem dressed in all its nuance, the basis for conflict begins to evaporate.
Certainly, a child who feels securely valued doesn’t have to believe their every performance is excellent, every choice is right or every disappointment is someone else’s fault. Healthy self-esteem isn’t that fragile. It allows children to recognize both strengths and limitations without interpreting either of them as a statement of their worth.
That distinction is important to think seriously about, because the concept of self-esteem has spent decades at the center of a false choice. One camp has suggested it’s the source of nearly every desirable outcome and assumed raising it requires praise and protection from failure. Another has dismissed it as little more than a gimmick for feeling good without needing to work at doing well. Research supports neither of these views.
This type of binary framing is attractive to us because it has the advantage of reducing ambiguity in our minds. The human brain loves a good shortcut, but relying on one doesn’t always get us where we need to go. So, with this in mind, anytime a subject is framed in binary terms, we should probably suspect we’re missing some important nuance—and that’s unquestionably true in the case of self-esteem.
What research does tell us is that a positive sense of self is associated with healthier relationships, better mental health, and better functioning in school and work, all of this measured by modest effects that develop over time and run in both directions. In other words, children’s experiences shape how they see themselves, and that developing self-view can influence how they approach later experiences.
“Students who don’t believe they are capable of accomplishing academic tasks tend to perform worse than their peers, even if their actual competencies are similar. Middle childhood is a particularly critical period in the development of self-beliefs, and a good time for interventions aimed at fostering positive self-beliefs.”
Jennifer Meyer and Thorben Jansen, “How do children develop positive self-beliefs?” Bold Science (2025)
Self-esteem is only one part of a positive sense of self, however. Children gradually develop self-awareness, a sense of agency, and beliefs about their competence in particular areas. Together, these advancements help them answer several different questions: Who am I? Does this align with who I want to be? Do I have value? Can my actions make a difference? Can I learn to do this? The answers to these questions are related, but they’re not interchangeable.
The Slowly Shaping Self: Worth, Competence and Agency
Awareness of self begins early. Infants distinguish sensations produced by their own bodies from stimulation coming from elsewhere. During their second year, many children recognize themselves in a mirror, and soon afterward, pride, embarrassment and other self-conscious emotions become increasingly visible. As language and memory develop, children begin to construct a more elaborate picture of themselves from their experience of what they can do, how other people respond to them and where they seem to belong.
That picture becomes more finely tuned with age. A young child may describe herself in concrete terms—fast, helpful or good at drawing. Older children compare themselves with peers and can hold apparently conflicting observations at once: good at math but nervous about sports; loyal to friends but quick-tempered at home. Later, notably in adolescence, there are new audiences and influences, leading to new identities and values. The takeaway should be that we don’t hand off self-esteem to a child wrapped in a neat package tied up in a bow. We can only encourage its development, and it develops within the context of relationships, changing continuously as children interpret their experiences.
Large longitudinal studies suggest that self-esteem generally rises during childhood, remains fairly stable in early adolescence and then increases again later. Those averages can mask considerable individual variation, however. Puberty, a school transition, discrimination, bullying, family disruption, learning difficulties or a mismatch between a child and the demands of the environment may all affect self-evaluation. When we see a dip in confidence, this is information about a child’s experience, not proof of a defective personality.
It’s useful to distinguish global self-esteem from self-efficacy. Self-esteem concerns a broad sense of worth; self-efficacy is the belief that one can organize actions and make progress toward a specific result. A child may feel loved and worthy while knowing they find division difficult. On the other hand, a highly accomplished child may doubt his worth whenever he falls short of an exacting standard.
Agency connects these ideas. From infancy onward, children learn that some actions produce effects: a cry brings help, a block tower grows, practice makes a melody recognizable, an apology begins to repair a friendship. Repeated experiences of acting, receiving useful feedback and trying again help children see themselves as participants in their lives rather than passive recipients of other people’s judgments about what they can or can’t do well.
“Cross-cultural studies counter the belief that agency is a synonym for independence, and in fact affirm that it is our inter-dependence which strengthens agency, and herein lies the complexity.”
Tanya Burr, “Agency Is So Much More Than Choice and Voice,” The Spoke (2022)
This is one place where it’s easy to see that the competencies covered in this series overlap. Pursuing a goal requires self-regulation. Choosing among possible strategies calls on decision-making. Asking for help and repairing mistakes draw on prosocial skills. Deciding which goals are worth pursuing involves values and moral development. A healthy sense of self both supports and is supported by these capacities.
Praise Alone Is Not Enough
The misunderstandings of the self-esteem movement were based on both a plausible hope and a superficial assumption about what self-esteem means: the hope was that if low self-esteem accompanies serious problems, perhaps raising self-esteem directly will prevent them. But “correlation isn’t causation,” as the saying goes. Failure, rejection and depression can lower self-esteem; low self-esteem can also make some later difficulties more likely. The superficial assumption was that self-esteem is about how wonderful you think you are. But, of course, telling children they’re wonderful cannot by itself alter the conditions, skills or relationships involved in how their self-view develops.
This isn’t to say that praise is harmful. Children benefit when adults notice their efforts, enjoyment, strategies, kindness and genuine progress. The difficulty lies in praise that is indiscriminate, exaggerated or attached to identity: “You’re perfect,” “You’re the smartest,” or “You’re an incredible artist” after every drawing. Such praise can feel less like encouragement and more like a standard the child must continue to meet.
Research with children has found that inflated praise can have unintended effects, particularly for children who already feel unsure of themselves. Instead of inviting a harder challenge, as it does in children who already have high self-esteem, it may encourage children with low self-esteem to protect the favorable judgment by choosing safe tasks. Person-based praise can also make failure feel overwhelming: if success proves that I’m smart, what does difficulty prove about me?
Long-term studies tracking everyday family interactions suggest that praise focused on process—what a child tried, changed or learned—can support healthy mindsets about ability and later achievement. But even process praise should be accurate and attentive. A child’s confidence isn’t likely to improve if we praise effort when they’ve barely tried or continue to praise effort without offering better strategies for success. Sometimes the most respectful response is curiosity: “That didn’t work the way you hoped. What do you think happened?” Or recognition without evaluation: “You kept changing the design until it stood up.” The aim isn’t to manufacture a positive feeling but to help the child interpret experience realistically and constructively.
“Inflated praise can backfire in the children who seem to need it the most: those with low self-esteem. . . . Paradoxically, children’s low self-esteem can lead adults to administer more inflated praise. Common sense, it seems, can misguide adults in their attempts to support children with low self-esteem.
Eddie Brummelman et al., “‘That’s Not Just Beautiful—That’s Incredibly Beautiful!’ The Adverse Impact of Inflated Praise on Children With Low Self-Esteem” (2014)
Failure Without Humiliation; Warmth Without Overvaluation
Children need manageable encounters with frustration and failure because competence doesn’t develop without practice at recovering. This does not mean manufacturing hardship, withholding help or leaving a child overwhelmed. It means resisting the urge to remove every obstacle while remaining available with support that the child actually needs.
The difference is easy to understand when we think of a toddler learning to walk. An adult provides a safe space, a hand when necessary and encouragement after a fall, but cannot take the steps on the child’s behalf. The level of help they need changes with development, but the principle is the same: give enough support to make engagement possible, then gradually turn more responsibility over to the child as their skill increases.
How adults explain mistakes matters too. “You’re lazy” turns one behavior into a fixed identity. “You didn’t start in time, and the assignment was rushed” identifies something that can be examined and changed. Accountability isn’t the enemy of self-esteem. Clear, specific feedback protects dignity while helping children connect choices with consequences.
This is also where self-compassion can complement self-esteem, but this is another concept that’s often misunderstood. Self-compassion doesn’t mean excusing harmful behavior or lowering standards. It means responding to difficulty without contempt: acknowledging pain, remembering that mistakes are part of being human and considering the next helpful action. A child who can say “I made a mistake” without collapsing into “I am a mistake” is better prepared to take responsibility for their shortfalls and repair them.
The upshot is that children need to know their fundamental worth is nonnegotiable. Their behavior may require correction; privileges may depend on responsibility; performances will vary. But their sense of belonging and access to affection shouldn’t rise and fall based on the grade, goal or trophy.
This helps clarify the difference between self-esteem and narcissism. Healthy self-esteem says, “I have worth,” and is able to assign worth to others, too. Narcissism adds a claim of superiority: “I am worth more than other people.” Research suggests that parental warmth is associated with self-esteem, whereas parental overvaluation—treating a child as more special or deserving than others—can encourage narcissistic self-views. On the other hand, parents don’t have to diminish their children in an effort to teach humility. It’s quite possible to convey delight and confidence in them without placing them above everyone else.
“Narcissism and self-esteem are only weakly positively correlated, and about as many narcissists have high self-esteem as low self-esteem. Thus, narcissism and self-esteem are independent dimensions of the self.”
Eddie Brummelman and Constantine Sedikides, “Raising Children With High Self-Esteem—but Not Narcissism” (2020)
Unconditional regard provides a secure base for honest feedback. When children don’t have to continually earn their place in the relationship, they can be secure enough to examine weaknesses, tolerate correction and attempt difficult things. Warmth and standards are partners in raising children—they’re not competing concepts.
What Parents Can Build
While it’s true parents can’t control every influence on a child’s developing self, they can shape the everyday conditions in which it grows. They can make affection dependable, set clear and age-appropriate limits, take a child’s perspective seriously, and offer choices that expand with competence. They can provide real responsibilities and opportunities to contribute—not simply opportunities to perform.
They can also help children develop more than one source of identity and belonging. A child whose sense of worth rests entirely on grades, appearance, athletic success or social approval is vulnerable whenever that foundation shifts. Family history, friendships, culture, personal interests, service, creativity and moral commitments can all become parts of a more complex and resilient sense of self.
Finally, adults can model the stance they hope children will adopt. Children listen when parents talk about their own errors. A parent who can say, “I handled that badly; I’m going to apologize and try again,” demonstrates accountability without self-condemnation. That lesson binds self-esteem to every other competency in this series: regulating emotion, making better decisions, repairing a relationship and acting according to one’s values.
Healthy self-esteem isn’t the conviction that success is guaranteed. It’s the quiet assurance that worth can survive disappointment, that effort and support can produce growth, and that a mistake isn’t the end of the story. Children build that assurance through being loved, heard, known and guided, and through being trusted with meaningful chances to become capable.
Key References
Eddie Brummelman et al., “‘That’s Not Just Beautiful—That’s Incredibly Beautiful!’ The Adverse Impact of Inflated Praise on Children With Low Self-Esteem,” Psychological Science (2014).
Eddie Brummelman et al., “Unconditional Regard Buffers Children’s Negative Self-Feelings,” Pediatrics (2014).
Eddie Brummelman et al., “When Parents’ Praise Inflates, Children’s Self-Esteem Deflates,” Child Development (2017).
Eddie Brummelman and Constantine Sedikides, “Raising Children With High Self-Esteem—but Not Narcissism,” Child Development Perspectives (2020).
Tanya Burr, “Agency Is So Much More Than Choice and Voice,” The Spoke, Early Childhood Australia (2022).
Elizabeth A. Gunderson et al., “Parent Praise to Toddlers Predicts Fourth-Grade Academic Achievement via Children’s Incremental Mindsets,” Developmental Psychology (2018).
Nancy G. Guerra and Catherine P. Bradshaw, “Linking the Prevention of Problem Behaviors and Positive Youth Development: Core Competencies for Positive Youth Development and Risk Prevention,” New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development (2008).
Michelle A. Harris and Ulrich Orth, “The Link Between Self-Esteem and Social Relationships: A Meta-Analysis of Longitudinal Studies,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (2020).
Jennifer Meyer and Thorben Jansen, “How do children develop positive self-beliefs?” Bold Science (January 2025).
Ulrich Orth, Ruth Yasemin Erol, and Eva C. Luciano, “Development of Self-Esteem From Age 4 to 94 Years: A Meta-Analysis of Longitudinal Studies,” Psychological Bulletin (2018).
Ulrich Orth and Richard W. Robins, “Is High Self-Esteem Beneficial? Revisiting a Classic Question,” American Psychologist (2022).
